In Which I Mock
by Serpentseeker
Summary: Mocking those DracoHarry and MPreg fics that no matter hard you try you can't believe is plausible. Also mocked is lack of character depth and a slight stand against Ron bashing.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter; he belongs to JK Rowling. I have to admit I own this sad attempt at a parody, thought up while me and my friend were bored in a Hard Materials lesson which was OMG, so long ago.

If you like MPreg and Draco/Harry, press the back button now.

Why aren't you pressing it?

Fine, but don't rant at me just because you didn't read the warning. I only poke offense at badly thought-out MPreg and Draco/Harry fics, e.g, ones impossible to believe yet are sadly out there.

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Once upon the time there was a boy named Harry Potter.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Draco Malfoy.

Harry and Draco were both very, very gay. So gay they were on the verge of shitting rainbows if that were possible.

One day Draco and Harry both decided that they really, really liked each other. They met up and kissed 'n stuff. The fact that they had hated each other the night before went ignored because why bother trying to make it realistic when there was hotness to get to?

Then they went to a meadow conveniently located by Hogwarts. It was dotted with beautiful flowers. They joined hands and skipped happily down to the lake. And then they had wild monkey sex.

Draco was on top.

Because Harry was apparently too wimpy.

After twenty rounds, they finally realised they were tired. So they lay together and declared their love for each other.

The next day Harry felt very funny so he went and saw Madame Pomfrey immediately despite the fact he hated going to her voluntarily because he usually thought he could deal by himself. Madame Pomfrey told him he was pregnant and didn't bat an eyelid, because males could get pregnant in the Wizarding World, despite the fact they had the same organs as Muggles and it was physically impossible for men to get pregnant. But seriously, nobody cares, right?

Everyone found out and most of them were happy for Harry. It didn't seem to bother anyone that Harry was a schoolboy, top of Voldemort's hit-list (and yes, he actually has one) and a male. They also seemed to take the news that Draco Malfoy was the father rather well.

Except Ron. He threw a fit and demanded to know why Harry hadn't told him and Hermione that he was gay. He also was furious about the fact Harry would not be marrying Ginny. Because if Harry and Ginny married there would be adorable little girls with red hair and green eyes and handsome little boys with black hair and dark eyes and it would be Lily and James all over again.

To sum things up, he acted like a huge prat. Then he denounced Harry as his friend and nobody missed him. It's not like he got the trio across the chessboard, nearly gave his life for Harry on multiple occasions, treated Harry like a brother and generally was a loyal friend.

Harry fled to his dorm and cried into his pillow like a teenaged girl. Maybe it was the hormones kicking in already

Meanwhile, Hermione lectured Harry on being so irresponsible and not having safe sex and Harry sat there and took it like a good girl. This was understandable. Maybe he was a girl. After all, girls cry into their pillow and get pregnant, not boys.

Well, his pregnancy passed uneventfully which, again, nobody found suspicious.

And then came the day.

Harry was lying on his bed, his stomach swollen (and it was not a good look. For girls it was acceptable, but for boys? Nah), just chillin'. But then he felt a funny sensation. He gasped.

"I think my water broke!"

And there was a flurry of movement. Strangely, everyone knew what to do and nobody was weirded out or anything. Harry was escorted to the Infirmary and Draco came and stood faithfully by his side. Harry gripped his hand tightly and ranted about how he hated Draco for putting him through this torture. Because what's birth without drama.

At last the baby was born, suspiciously clean. This was rather surprising, considering it was born from an ass. Nobody seemed bothered by the fact that there was no afterbirth or umbilical cord or anything along those lines. Because that was the way things were in fictional birth.

Now, Harry and Draco had decided to not find out the gender of the baby until it was born. If it was a girl they planned to call it Lily Rose Malfoy-Potter. If it was a boy they planned to call it James Sirius Malfoy-Potter.

It was a boy.

So, they happily named him after two dead people, not realising the trauma it would cause him in later life (because who really wants to be named after two dead people?).

Somehow they managed to complete school, raising their son together. After school they found jobs as Aurors. Harry killed Voldemort and was fatally wounded and spent many weeks in a coma while everyone else angsted. And then Harry woke up and everyone cried tears of joy and it was so sickening sweet.

And then everyone lived happily ever after.

Because that sort of thing is possible in the Harry Potter universe.

Seriously.


End file.
